painted fire

“Maybe if you just knew what you wanted, it would make your life a whole lot easier.”

Seriously? Did I seriously just say that out loud? Granted, the customer was already off the phone—but I still said it. And what strikes me is not my own propensity to mutter such things after I put the receiver down, but I’m struck by my own audacity to accuse someone else of such a thing.

But I guess my problem isn’t not knowing what I want. It’s more about not knowing how to get what I want. And it’s not because my options are limited. Or the road unclear. It’s because I’m scared. I can’t get what I want because my fat feet are cemented to the ground. I wish I could say it better but I can’t. Although, I have a friend who is a bit of a kindred spirit when it comes to this. And he said it better than I ever could. Hopefully he won’t mind me borrowing his words…

“Here's my deal. I am scared. I am scared that I will choose the wrong thing. I am scared that I am not good enough to get what I really want. I am scared that if I get something good, that I will fuck it up. So, I find it better to choose nothing.”

I.choose.nothing. Or I choose nothing of value. And if I choose something of value—I sabotage it. Barrel over it with all my insecurities. Shortcomings. Misgivings. I am exhausted. And exhausting.

But I think there’s hope. After I received that from my friend, I wrote back and had my email had sound, he would have heard me, panicked and shrill, ask, “what are we gonna do?” But instead, I just typed it. Maybe I wanted him to choose for me and absolve me from any tragic ramifications. Or maybe, I just figured that when someone feels just how you feel and can articulate it better than you can—it’s not a bad idea to see what their ultimate plan of attack is. And his was this…

“Live courageously. Choose, realize that choosing something limits us...it means that we don't choose other things by choosing something, but that's a good thing...or can be. We're meant to have limits. A lot of the battle is knowing that we have the fear and acknowledge the fear, and choose courageously. Choose…always choose. You'll never settle for less as long as you’re choosing. It's time for living.”

So let it be written, so let it be done...