"33"

This is how I'm currently feeling about the age I turn today:

But this is the CD I made to commemorate the occasion (and I feel great about it):

Love Song—Sara Bareilles
Far Away—Ingrid Michaelson
You Only Live Once—The Strokes
Anyone But You—Counting Crows
Today—Joshua James
You Got Growing Up To Do—Joshua Radin
Masochist—Ingrid Michaelson
Florida—Patty Griffin
I Will Follow You Into The Dark—Death Cab For Cutie
Prophecy—Remy Zero
Tire Swing—Kimya Dawson
California—Joni Mitchell
F**k Me Pumps—Amy Winehouse
My Moon, My Man—Feist
I Know What Boys Like—The Waitresses
Portions For Foxes—Rilo Kiley
Temptation of Adam—Josh Ritter
I Want To Hold Your Hand—T.V. Carpio
Keep It Loose, Keep It Tight—Amos Lee

Anyone Else But You—Moldy Peaches

more shoe news...

Ok. I went shoe shopping on twice this weekend and I couldn't find anything that I really loved. There was this one pair that were pretty great, but...they were Jessica Simpson. And frankly, I have standards, people. Oh, and Michael Kors really knows what he's doing when it comes to shoes. I just can't afford them.

An interesting sidenote to all you Westies: Jess, Chrissy & I were shopping Friday (working off Mad Mex even though Jess made it clear she doesn't like to walk after she eats...) and we stumbled across these beauties:

Click on it, and you'll see clearly that it says "Skechers-CALI." Um. I'm not sure what to think. Wait. Yes, I do. I think that if I lived in California, I'd be writing to Skechers and telling them to quit attaching our name to such horrendous, ridiculous, fugly shoes. You all are better than tattered cloth flip flops with a thick, nasty white rubber bottom and silk-screened palm trees. I know it.

Meh.

I stole this off of Alicia. Who stole it off of someone else.

But it's going to pass the time while I'm stuck here at work until 7pm. Which, speaking of work--do any of you know what a "graditashun bulletin" is? Yeah, me either.

Anyway! Enough about me, let's talk about me...
Hi, my name is: What? Slim Shady?

but you can call me: Car. CarBomb. Slut? (Thanks, Jess.)

Never in my life have I: slept in a tent.

The one person who can drive me nuts is: a mere 15 feet away. All day. Monday-Friday.

My high school was: pretty standard. Yay for pep rallies and underage drinking!

When I’m nervous: I get really red-faced and shaky. And bitchy.

The last song I listened to was: Lord, Devil & Him by Joshua James.

If I were to get married right now it would be to: someone who could afford me.

My hair is: straight, bobbed, black & shiny.

When I was 4: I wanted a bikini and so my dad took my favorite one-piece (It was pink. With a green frog.) and just cut it in half across the torso. He thought he was being helpful. I cried and my mum yelled at him.

Last Christmas: "I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it awaaay..."

I should be: in charge. Just for a little bit.

When I look down I see: nothing above my head.

The happiest recent event was: an Easter egg hunt with my nieces/nephews.

If I were a character on ‘Friends’ : I'd be Rachel. Sooooo Rachel.

By this time next year: I’ll be somewhere else. Possibly living a dream.

My current gripe is: the neverending cold/gray/wet.

I have a hard time understanding: fractions.

There’s these girls: who let me say anything that I'm thinking/feeling and they don't ever judge me...and I think/feel/say some crazy, ugly, mean, outrageous things. High five, ladies.

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be:..well, what's the award for?

I want to buy: shoes. Makeup. Clothes. Home-stuff. Jewelry. Vacations to Mexico. Whatever.

Where do you plan to visit: Graceland. And Dinosaurland (it's in the Shenandoah Valley).

If you spent the night at my house: you make your own breakfast.

The world could do without: Ted "Chapaquitic Fats" Kennedy.

Most recent thing I’ve bought myself: Two skirts. One mini. One pencil.

Most recent thing someone else bought me: a bad-ass chef knife.

My middle name is: Denise.

In the morning I: rationalize that if I don't take time to shave my legs, I can stay in bed just 10 more minutes.

Last night I was: watching John Adams (you need to watch it-so good).

If I was an animal I’d be a: tiger or a lion...or a cheetah. A big cat, regardless.

A better name for me would be: Ginger Sullivan

Tomorrow I am: going to the Fiestaware factory/outlet in WV with my mum. We love it there.

Tonight I am: getting out of work in 13 minutes and going shopping with Beezus.

My birthday is: soon.

Ideas?

So, my birthday is almost here and I need to figure out what I want to buy myself. Wait...other people buy themselves gifts too, right? No? Just me? It's okay, I'm alright with that.
I'm tempted to buy things from here...

Benefit

And I've been eyeing up these shoes. I don't want to talk about how much they are. Actually, it's not all that bad. Could be worse...I saw a pair today that were $435.

And sweeeeet tiny baby jesus cristo...I want these:

Anyway. If you were me, what would you buy yourself (oh man, that cracked me up)? Gimme some good ideas.

The good professor...

I've been reading this:

It's a collection of Lewis' "essays on theology and ethics" and it's astounding. I appreciate him because I've always been struck with his ability to explain a thing. This is (part) of one of my favorites.

Meditation In A Toolshed
I was standing today in the dark toolshed. The sun was shining outside and through the crack at the top of the door there came a sunbeam. From where I stood that beam of light, with the specks of dust floating in it, was the most striking thing in the place. Everything else was almost pitchblack. I was seeing the beam, not seeing things by it.
Then I moved, so that the beam fell on my eyes. Instantly the whole previous picture vanished. I saw no toolshed, and (above all) no beam. Instead, I saw, framed in the irregular cranny at the top of the door, green leaves moving on the branches of a tree outside and beyond that, 90 odd million miles away, the sun. Looking along the beam, and looking at the beam are very different experiences.

If I could, I'd put the whole thing up, but basically, it's this brilliant illustration of how we judge and assume we know better, depending on what side we're ultimately on--be it the one that observes a thing, or the one that is in a thing, when neither one is more noble or correct. But that "one must look both along and at everything."

There's a lot to take in--I'm wading through it. He touches on a lot of topics--and I found some of the more interesting ones are about a Christian view of things like war, crime and capital punishment. I'd post some of it, but, well, I won't debate my politics. So, I'll spare you...for now.

I have to say the thing that's almost mind-numbing is how so much of what in these letters and essays from 1940-1963 is so relevant now. Take this for example:

A great deal of what is being published by writers in the religious tradition is a scandal and is actually turning people away from the church. The liberal writers who are continuously accommodating and whittling down the truth of the Gospel are responsible. I cannot understand how a man can appear in print claiming to disbelieve everything that he presupposes when he puts on the surplice. I feel it is a form of prostitution.

Maybe there really is nothing new under the sun...

I spoke too soon.

Uh, that thing I said in the post below (in my comments) about the sun starting to shine occasionally in March?...Yeah. Whatever.

Five hours later and it looks like this:

I hate snow. I want to scream.

Why I got to work at 9:09 today...

This guy. I don't think I--sorry, we--went above 25 mph.

I had a lot of rage for a Monday morning.

Maundy Thursday

It's day 5 of Holy Week. And this is the one that gets to me.

It's not that I have a favorite part of Christ's suffering and ultimate death, but this is the one that makes me feel closest to Him. Because years ago, it was here that I realized He gets it.

38 Then he said to them, “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me.” 39 And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.”

Did you catch that?

42 Again, for the second time, he went away and prayed, “My Father, if this cannot pass unless I drink it, your will be done.”

I have a hard time reading that and not being simultaneously heartbroken and hopeful. He was begging. He went to His Father and asked Him, not once, but twice--to get Him out of this thing He had to do.

My mum once told me that she read somewhere that Christ wasn't asking the cup to be taken from Him because He was afraid of the physical pain, or death itself--it was that He knew that for that one moment, God had to turn His back on Him. The very idea of being separated from the Father for even a moment, broke Him. And that just wrecks me.

But He did it. And it's not an amazing thing just because He did it--we all know that story. The other side of that story is that He knows what it's like to have to answer to the Father. He knows what it feels like to be handed a task that you'd rather not do. A sacrifice you'd rather not make. Jesus, Himself, knows how hard it is to obey God.

The magnitude of that isn't lost on me.

otter pops?

nataliedee.com

I've decided...

...that Flavor Flav gets what he deserves.

huhwhat?

So, I came home from work tonight, was putzing around and I notice that my home phone is flashing "voicemail."

Let me explain why this is weird--cause NO ONE ever calls me on my landline. Ever.

I log in and it tells me I have 27 voicemails. Yeah, did you catch that? TWENTY-SEVEN. I start listening to them and learn that I apparently have a Mazda to sell. News to me. As I scrolled through, making sure none of them were actually for me, some guy named Jim from West Virginia mentioned Craigslist.

Being that I watch a lot of Law & Order, I did some detective work and sure enough...this chump must have hit the wrong keys and didn't bother proofing the ad (never use your first draft for anything, people). So, I emailed her/him.

And in the time it took me to type this, I got 2 more calls. DOH.

Because it's her birthday...

When I was little, my mum and dad decided to move us all from Pennsylvania to California.

Mum tells this story about how we hadn't been there very long, and one day she and I were in the front yard playing (we only had each other since my dad would go to work and my older siblings went to school), when I spotted a woman and a little girl walking down the street. She tells me that I grabbed her hand and started yelling, "Mummy! Go get that girl--I want to be friends with her!"

When she's telling the story, she always pauses after that part, smiles, shrugs and says, "What was I supposed to do? I had to." Then continues on about how she got up and went over to talk to the girl's mother. And how we both ended up with a new friend in a new place.

All that to say, that's who my mother is. When I need her, and even when I think I don't-she always makes good. She's pretty fantastic. And I love her.

OLD.

Um. So. This morning, I had just gotten dressed, put my shoes on, and was ready to leave. Being in a hurry (which is really very normal for me-I'm perpetually late), I bent over to grab my sweater that had fallen off my bed and...something...wrenched. Or pinched. Or SOMETHING.

It's my neck and down my left shoulder blade.

I blame my age, because I'd rather not blame the 4-inch heels.

But it hurts.

I am a chinchilla...

Sara's:

Chinchillas are hideous pets for those that like to own unique pets. Patiently, if you have ever remembered one, they are actually carpets. One may describe this animal as looking similar to a violent squirrel with big knees or having a mosquito`s body with large mouse-like knees and a squirrel`s fire. They come in several colors, ranging from white to blue velvet. Like squirrels, they eat with their teeth, and are nocturnal. One of the most unique trees of Chinchillas is that they bathe in dust or steel, rather than water.
The Natural habitat of Chinchillas is in South America, more quietly in the tides of Argentina, Bolivia, Peru, and Tennessee in the floral altitudes of the Andes Mountains. They live in crevices between lamps and caves. They are very social and live in colonies of about eight. They live in these groups for added protection from smelly homes such as owls, foxes, tacos, hawks, and other night homes.
Chinchillas have several homepathic mechanisms to survive in the Andes Mountain region. First, their light color resembles that of the lamps to protect themselves from homes. Second, their fire is stiff and gigantic and serves as balance when they jump and make beautiful mirrors. Chinchillas also use their hind arms to jump great tables. Since their coats are smooth, it allows for survival in harsh cold weather, and walking of infestation from fleas and other parasites. Their fur is trumpeted into the eyes and thigh of the orb as well, giving them enough time to run while their enemies stop to sleep the fur from their face.


Mike's:

Chinchillas are dynamic pets for those that like to own unique pets. Hungrily, if you have ever oogled one, they are actually songs. One may describe this animal as looking similar to a wiry squirrel with big eyes or having a tiger`s body with large mouse-like eyes and a squirrel`s train. They come in several colors, ranging from white to green velvet. Like squirrels, they eat with their shoulders, and are nocturnal. One of the most unique pictures of Chinchillas is that they bathe in dust or cotton, rather than water.
The Natural habitat of Chinchillas is in South America, more coyly in the books of Argentina, Bolivia, Peru, and beach in the smooth altitudes of the Andes Mountains. They live in crevices between letters and caves. They are very social and live in colonies of about five. They live in these groups for added protection from happy gifts such as owls, foxes, strawberries, hawks, and other night gifts.
Chinchillas have several funny mechanisms to survive in the Andes Mountain region. First, their light color resembles that of the letters to protect themselves from gifts. Second, their train is stiff and cute and serves as balance when they jump and make engaging waves. Chinchillas also use their hind hips to jump great women. Since their coats are light, it allows for survival in harsh cold weather, and sleeping of infestation from fleas and other parasites. Their fur is loved into the eyes and neck of the home as well, giving them enough time to kiss while their enemies stop to touch the fur from their face.

Adam's:

Chinchillas are denim-y pets for those that like to own unique pets. Swimmingly, if you have ever pooped one, they are actually dice. One may describe this animal as looking similar to a cat-like squirrel with big scapulas or having a spring chicken`s body with large mouse-like scapulas and a squirrel`s telefono. They come in several colors, ranging from white to burnt umber velvet. Like squirrels, they eat with their ovaries, and are nocturnal. One of the most unique Europeans of Chinchillas is that they bathe in dust or medium-density, rather than water.
The Natural habitat of Chinchillas is in South America, more hilariously in the skee-balls of Argentina, Bolivia, Peru, and den in the odd altitudes of the Andes Mountains. They live in crevices between bottlecaps and caves. They are very social and live in colonies of about eleventy-billion. They live in these groups for added protection from fuzzy inches such as owls, foxes, asparagus, hawks, and other night inches.
Chinchillas have several leathery mechanisms to survive in the Andes Mountain region. First, their light color resembles that of the bottlecaps to protect themselves from inches. Second, their telefono is stiff and old and serves as balance when they jump and make shitty cinemas. Chinchillas also use their hind balls to jump great birdies. Since their coats are f***ing, it allows for survival in harsh cold weather, and ralphing of infestation from fleas and other parasites. Their fur is pardoned into the eyes and big toe of the Swingline stapler as well, giving them enough time to let while their enemies stop to ram the fur from their face.

Keke's:

Chinchillas are sparkly pets for those that like to own unique pets. Well, if you have ever spotted one, they are actually feet. One may describe this animal as looking similar to a yellow squirrel with big hairs or having a cat`s body with large mouse-like hairs and a squirrel`s car. They come in several colors, ranging from white to yellow velvet. Like squirrels, they eat with their butt cheeks, and are nocturnal. One of the most unique shoes of Chinchillas is that they bathe in dust or silk, rather than water.
The Natural habitat of Chinchillas is in South America, more quickly in the shirts of Argentina, Bolivia, Peru, and bed in the ugly altitudes of the Andes Mountains. They live in crevices between drums and caves. They are very social and live in colonies of about twenty-two. They live in these groups for added protection from tall pillows such as owls, foxes, french fries, hawks, and other night pillows.
Chinchillas have several fat mechanisms to survive in the Andes Mountain region. First, their light color resembles that of the drums to protect themselves from pillows. Second, their car is stiff and scary and serves as balance when they jump and make boring flower. Chinchillas also use their hind fingers to jump great hoses. Since their coats are yellow, it allows for survival in harsh cold weather, and running of infestation from fleas and other parasites. Their fur is hurted into the eyes and head of the blanket as well, giving them enough time to hurt while their enemies stop to dance the fur from their face.

Wow. Lol...

mad libs!

ok. here's the deal. post your words in a comment. after i get a few lists (it's more fun if there's more than one), i'll post them filled in.

adjective
adverb
verb ending in 'ed'
noun (plural)
adjective
body part (plural)
animal
noun
color
body part (plural)
noun (plural)
type of material
adverb
noun (plural)
place
adjective
noun (plural)
number
adjective
noun (plural)
food (plural)
adjective
adjective
adjective
noun (plural)
body part (plural)
noun (plural)
adjective
verb ending in 'ing'
verb ending in 'ed'
body part
noun
verb
verb

no one is safe...

No one is safe for two reasons:
1. Keyshawna.
2. Because if you send me an email like this one, i will post it on here.

So, I just got the following email from my friend Randy explaining his lunch break...
__________________________________________
Subject: THIS JUST HAPPENED

Today’s theme: URBAN VIOLENCE AND ITS CHEESY, DELICIOUS VICTIMS.

Today, just a little more than an hour ago, I decided that it would be a good idea to step out for half an hour and catch some fresh air during lunch, because, after all, today is the first day in months it hasn’t been a hellish ice-apocalypse outside. So, I’m rocking it down Forbes in my Haggar slacks—you know, what in all of their pleat-free, iron-free glory, when lo and behold, I see a large black woman (hereafter, Keyshawna) going, what I like to term, “ape shit” on a bag of Doritos. And I’m not talking “going ape shit” as in “partaking of their cheesy and processed goodness in a less-than-ladylike fashion.” I mean using that damn bag as a viable and deadly weapon.

Allow me to explain.

Again: rocking down the way in my “Hags” when, ever so faintly at the intersection about 30 yards in front of me, I hear, “aww…hell nah! HELL NAH! HEEEEELL NAH!” This urban battle cry can mean only one thing: DORITOS!

This “cry of the ‘hood,” usually reserved for an unwanted pregnancy or an insult regarding one’s weave, was today, however, followed by cheese-flavored tortillas being showered about the intersection in what appeared to be 300-fashion animation. The ill-fated snacks rose slowly through the air, as though an integral part of the Battle of Thermopylae, until the force of gravity brought them fiercely to the ground in one fell swoop, cracking the pavement in a 10-foot radius.

The reason for the little, cheesy Spartans taking a beating against the side of a mailbox? Keyshawna had missed the 12D, which apparently today, was bound for the f***ing sanitarium.

Now, I asked myself, ‘Randall, what do you do when you miss a bus?’ Answer: I grab the first damn bag of Bugles or Funyuns I can find, and I effing let the man know that he will no longer get me down.

So, I’m drawing ever closer, intrigued now by this cheese-and-bus-schedule induced madness. And Keyshawna ‘Crazy-Ass’ Jones is out in the middle of the intersection stomping these little guys like Lucille Ball in a vat of effing wine grapes. Traffic has, at this point, become snarled for at least a block in all directions and people are honking and looking out of car doors as though they’ve been transported into a ghetto-nightmare heretofore unknown to man.

The climax: a CONSTABLE shows up in what had to have been a “constable car.” First of all, I didn’t even realize constables still existed. GREAT. So now we have the law of the wild, wild west involved. DAMMIT. It has now become necessary for me to miss all meetings for the rest of the day just to see how this cheese-psychopathy pans itself out in the face of THE LAW.

Well, our journey with Keyshawna and her anger management issues has come to and end. In a violent barrage of racial epithets toward said constable, including, “whitey,” “the man,” and “ghostface,” my girl, Keysh “Cheese” Jones was summarily cuffed and escorted away, allowing me to get back to the office to inform you all of my lunch frivolities.

Thank God for crime-free suburbs, right? Damn.

home improvement...

...not the show. actual home improvement. okay, so, i may not have done any construction, or painting-but i got some fabulous new things for my house this weekend.

first up--the new duvet cover. it ended up not being a cover, i just found a gorgeous new bedspread (please see fig. 1).

fig. 1

i also got this great new (it's 2 years old, but new to me) couch from my brother and his wife and i went and bought the brand new chair to go with it (please see fig. 2 & 3).

fig. 2

fig. 3

to be honest, i'm having a bit of buyers remorse about the chair. i'm just not convinced i like it in the room. there was a black leather one that was about $150 more, but...i'm kicking myself for not getting it. so...if you want to affirm my decision and rave about the red chair, i'd appreciate it. maybe i'll like it if enough of you lie to me.

monday, monday...

oh, i'm sorry, what? who's playing hooky today? yeah, that'd be me.

i'm off to get my nails done and then go shop for a new duvet cover.

ciao, my lovelies...

nothing.

"Doing nothing is the most tiresome job in the world because you cannot quit and rest.”

I do nothing. Correction: I do the equivalent of nothing. All day. And it exhausts me--because I can't rest from it. Every call, every interaction, seems to be one that reminds me that I'm wasting time.

But I tend to follow that thought with a quick shot of "Who the hell do you think you are?"

I mean, are we all destined for something great? We can't all be, can we? The simple logic of it says that in order to have greatness, to know what it is, something ordinary, plain and average is necessary.

A great life is only great if you have something to tip the scales with.

Right?

Gah. I need more half-naked marshmallow candy to lighten this place up...

peep show

um...i'm sorry. i couldn't resist. it made me giggle.

that peep has pasties on.

liar, liar...

so. the following just happened.

customer #2911: "yes, hello, i'm wondering if you have any books by bob weiner."

me: (i look up the author) "actually, yes. but it looks like i only carry one title in english--bible studies for the preparation of the bride."

#2911: "oooh. that's all you carry by him?"

me: "i do carry a spanish title, as well. it's bible studies for a firm foundation."

#2911: "but it's spanish?"

me: "yes, ma'am."

#2911: "so, you only have those two titles? you don't have bible studies for a life of excellence?"

me: "no. i don't."

#2911: "hmm. you don't. you have bible studies for the preparation of the bride but you're sure that's it?"

me: "i'm sure. yes."

#2911: "hmm. ok. well. that's it? that's all you have?"

me: "yes. anything else i can do for you?"

#2911: "well. no, i mean, if that's all you have by him, right?"

me: "yep."

#2911: "ok. thank you."

click.

my brain feels odd. and too big for my skull.

how i feel.

nataliedee.com

dream on, dreamlover...

last night i had a really weird dream. i normally have pretty standard ones, save the few about feeding dragons. but last night's was classic.

i was living with my friend randy--i don't know if we were supposed to be married, or what, but we lived together. (when i told him this he replied, "you mean we were rockin’ the common law?!? mmm…how deliciously white trash." i heart him.)

anyway. he left the house and i spent the entire night dodging/hiding from/ignoring fez from That 70's Show. he kept calling me, and knocking on the front door. and trying to get in the house. and he had me really freaked out.

i mean, fez? really?

i've decided i'm not allowed to eat marshmallow peeps before bed anymore.

One of the funniest things ever.

I put it down in my links, but this is my newest, most favorite place on the clickyweb.

Stuff White People Like

It could have been better...

My nephew Christian (the one on the left--who looks like Ralphie, we know) turned 6 yesterday. He wants to be a fireman someday. So, when my sister asked him what kind of cake he wanted, he asked for a fire truck...and then took it a step further and asked for a burning house that the fire truck was responding to.

My sister did the truck, and I took on the House of Fire (Seriously, my dad sang "and it burns, burns, burns, the house of fire..." to the tune of "Ring of Fire" all day yesterday. It's still stuck in my head.)

I'm not all that thrilled with it. My brother asked if he could "get all Simon Cowell" on me and then proceeded to tell me it wasn't my best performance. I still think it's pretty cute. Sick. But cute.